(and terrifyingly accurate) piece has been floating around
anonymously in email and on message boards for years, so I hope I'm
not stepping on the author's toes by posting it. If so, email me. Who
are you? I think I love you.
. . . . . . . . .
. . . .
Types of Pagans
You just read this
cool book about a religion where there's a Goddess and a God, and
they meet outside in Nature, instead of some scary old building. They
think sex is GOOD not evil, and you want to know where to sign up.
god/dess names, has to think a moment about which is deosil and which
is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with "A-frame".)
Grand Old Wo/Man:
Woodstock (the first one). Will tell you about the time they dropped
acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley -- or maybe it was Robert Anton
Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three
people with one name?
locks, listens very intently, knows dish about people you've only
Tree Hugging Nature Sprite:
possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes. Simultaneously
believes in universal love for humanity and returning the planet to a
pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the
shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in great detail.
No meat, no
fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no drugs, no
eco-exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no car,
but very tolerant.
Anal Retentive Ceremonialist:
actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying Greek, Latin and
Hebrew all at once. Does "workings" instead of
"rituals". All twenty volumes of their magical diaries are
all in Enochian.
Won't go anywhere
without a book. Is constantly aware of which direction is east.
Dresses according to planetary conditions, or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart.
A man's shadow
crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying it. She'll
have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her
full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the magical properties of
Tiny axes or
curved knives, just right for amputating a penis, are a favored
symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man
approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking.
Sexy Pagan Nymph:
Oh, they're so
nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh -- and you can
actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms... pant, drool...
Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry to you under a
full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of them.
Corporate Closet Witch:
"Hey, boss --
I'd like to take February 2nd as a personal day..." Has an
entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows concerned with spells for
purifying the workplace. Doesn't mind working on Christmas,
especially if there's overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at
work since being canned by that born-again boss, but still refuses to
say "Merry Christmas."
Can assume a
properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances
around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies.
Non-distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous tattoos.
Childe Of Kaos:
Can name seventeen
industrial goth bands without pausing to think. Knows what a Prince
Albert is. Personally feels that if no panicky headlines appear the
day after you do a ritual, you screwed up. Painted on their jacket,
engraved in their flesh and/or boldly displayed as jewelry is an
emblem which resembles a combination of corporate logo and arcane
symbol. If you don't know what it means, they'll think you're a dweeb.
Easy to picture as
an alternative musician or bike messenger, difficult to visualize as
a school teacher or research assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV
news anchor or bank officer. Always wears black leather, even when sleeping.
stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key for elevator
access. Lurks around knots of conversation eavesdropping in order to
see if their name is being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter
especially for rituals. Starts every sentence with "I". If
you ask them how it's going, they hand you a press release.
Always has plenty
of books to autograph and will personally sell them to you at a
slight discount from cover price. Never seen unaccompanied by beefy
amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed hangers-on. Seems vaguely afraid of
anyone they don't already know.
Scary Devil Worshipper:
Would never been
caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a snide, knowing way
which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquest.
Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and reads The Bell Curve with smug
satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a fly,
but they want you to think they're capable of vast destruction.
Lots of black and
red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black eye liner. At least
one inverted pentagram somewhere on their person. If you see several
of them getting tanked in a bar, it would be wise to stay far away.
Note: In my experience the above type aren't really Pagan, lest ye
should be reading these pages as a newbie and become confused.
They're occultists, of course; but they tend to scorn Neo-Paganism as
far too innocuous, and they don't give a fig about the Goddess or
Nature or any of that touchy-feely crap.]
gathering has at least one of these, along with several variants
along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or somebody
who was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were abducted by aliens
recently, and have disturbing dreams rich with arcane symbolism that
they will tell you all about, in great detail.
Look for the
intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling with various
psychiatric medications, and the garments that were clearly designed
and tailored on another planet.
psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses to do boring
Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes with lots
of interesting local plants. Can say "Ayahuasca" ten times
real fast and deliver long quotes from Terrence McKenna.
Dresses in color
combinations that hurt the eyes unless you've taken ecstasy.
Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile, never goes anywhere without ritual drum.
Is he a she? Is
she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a couple or are all
four of them a quadruple? If getting answers to these questions could
disturb you, best stay away. If, on the other hand, these kind of
questions seem overly judgmental, you might have a real good time...
When you look at
this person, does every sex act you've ever experienced in your life
seem hopelessly vanilla? If so, congratulations -- you've found a Faerie!
Do their rituals
have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager, an orchestra with
chorus and last at least three hours? It's a High Episcopagan! They
can memorize pages and pages of Olde English, have more ritual garbs
than most people have socks, and consider their main pagan influences
to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley.
Book of Shadows
exceeds five volumes. Knows every note of "Carmina Burana".
Don't ask them about that 18th century seed pearl trim on their
ritual hat unless you've got an hour to spare.
note: I blushingly recognize myself here, only my influences are
more like Frazer, Graves, and Neil Jordan. ::singing:: "Fortune
plango vulnera stillantibus ocellis..."]
If it's in a book,
it must be true. If it's in an old book, it must really be true. If
it's in an old book that was handed down from an oral tradition of
people who couldn't read, then it must really be way true. Gnashes
their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses,
or other mechanical assistance. Believes that anyone who lives in a
city, eats meat or has a regular job dare not call themselves a pagan.
Has hissy fits
when somebody brings up the old "Crowley ghosted Gardner's
books" argument. Goes around correcting everyone's Gaelic/Old Norse/Latin/Babylonian.
Dances With Bunny Rabbits:
symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings. Charter member
of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly executed. Has many,
many, many pets. Has a spirit animal. Personally owns 927 models,
pictures, and other depictions of their spirit animal.
Not counting the
pagan his/herself, how many animals can you see when looking at them?
If the count surpasses five (including critters found on tattoos,
jewelry, garments and undies), you've found a worshipper of beasties.
Priest/ess of Political Correctness:
everything they read or hear for
sexist-racist-homophobic-imperialist-Eurocentric content without
paying attention to what is actually being said. Believes in personal
liberty -- everyone has the right to be overbearing, dogmatic and
holier-than-thou, not just the Christian Right. Incredibly boring yet
annoyingly self-righteous all at the same time.
little eyes are constantly in motion, waiting for someone to do or
say something bad. Has loud and attention attracting hissy fits when
confronted with everyday things such as advertising or corporate
franchises. Rudimentary sense of humor is rarely activated.
Our Lady Of Intense Suffering:
persecuted. You're probably persecuting her right now, you just don't
realize it. Became a Pagan because she decided it was that most
persecuted religion of all. Can't enjoy anything because it would be
selfish to have any fun when so many are suffering.
Tales of woe. Even
less of a sense of humor than #17. Bristles when anyone says the
words "masochist" or "whining".
I Am Not Spock (at the moment):
Knows at least
three filks about Cthulhu and at least forty Star Trek jokes. Has
found a clever way to create simple furniture from stacks of science
fiction paperbacks. Can name ninety different kinds of space ship.
drinking style. Probably still lives with parents. Many cryptic
buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart for their own good.
Insist that they
aren't homophobic; they just believe that Paganism is about a goddess
and a god and they do it and what could be more obvious than that? It
just doesn't "work right" if you try any other way! Are
secretly afraid that gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump their
tender hetero bones.
abound with depictions of satyrs with enormous genitals and
huge-breasted, doe-eyed goddesses. Long manicured nails and wreaths
of flowers (on females only -- men have big, bushy beards instead.)
vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with festival
organizers and park rangers due to their fondness for running around
with a huge battle-ax in one hand and a full mead horn in the other.
They throw the best parties, but if you're a wimp, you're expressly
Look for the
large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes, with many pounds
of amber dangling from their necks.
disposable income too, right? So how come they aren't buying my hand
forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces -- they come in silver and gold,
and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly button. Would you
like a reading? Will that be Visa or Master Card?
Has business cards
featuring little embossed pentagrams. You've never seen so much
Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole life. Rarely
leaves the dealer's room and can't believe there are so many jewelry
Monster Truck Pagan:
Can grow their own
food, build their own house, sew their own clothes, home school their
children and brew their own organic hooch. Are looking forward to the
bleak, post-apocalyptic world postulated by the environmentalists as
they can't wait to run amok through the country, worshipping ancient
gods, blowing up strip malls and rutting on the divider line of every interstate.
clever and very well versed in the U. S. Constitution. Eats meat with
visible twitches of pleasure. Is aware that primitive religions have
nothing to do with crystals, Atlantis or unicorns.
... You may be a
monster-truck pagan if your anointing oil is 30 weight.
... You may be a
monster truck pagan if cakes & wine means tailgate party.
... You may be a
monster truck pagan if Autumn is the Burning Time.
... You may be a
monster truck pagan if your mead is PBR.